Let’s talk about expectations. As a recovering perfectionist, I struggle with setting my expectations too high and constantly being disappointed. When you’re always being disappointed in others, yourself, even God, it’s easy to lose sight of the joy and peace you crave. So this post will explain how we can identify when we are setting our expectations too high, how to be hopeful but also realistic. We will also talk about practicing positivity amid disappointment so that we can keep God in the front seat, not the inner critic. 

Important sidebar: I define expectations as the picture you envision when thinking about whatever scenario you’re walking into. For example, I imagine a quiet, respectful classful of students when I walk into my final exams. Now, in reality, my picture is rarely as I expect, leading to some resentment towards my peers, some anger, some disappointment at the world I live in. It brings on some judgment–another critical reason dealing with expectations is essential. 

How to Identify Expectations

Here are some telltale signs your expectations are too high: 

1. You become impatient when others don’t adhere to your exact standards. 

Whether it was because classmates wouldn’t take notes or if they would write on the table, I caught myself becoming so fixated on what mistakes others were making I stopped living in the moment. 

1. You disappoint easily

If every tiny detail is to my standards, I can relax. But rarely does that happen, so being content was a battle, let alone joyful. 

1. You have a hard time seeing the good in people.

I used to say I could see the good in others; I just could see the bad traits quicker. 

If any of these signs rang true in your life, you might have some pretty high expectations. Well, let me tell you, me too. By asking questions like “why am I feeling impatient? Why am I disappointed? What am I getting stuck on that keeps me from being content and joyful?” I can gauge whether or not high expectations cause my disappointment. 

Balancing Hope with Being Realistic 

Let me tell you; this is no easy task. In therapy one day, my therapist asked me to list three blessings I am grateful for; I had to be specific; I couldn’t use the general “family” or “God.” She wanted particular traits I appreciated or specific gifts. I tried and barely got to two. After trying gratitude journaling on and off for a few years, I’ve landed on two doable practices:

1. Whenever I notice any positive thought, act, a trait in others, myself, or God, I bring it to God and thank Him for it. I don’t just note it but dive into all the blessings which come from the one gift. For example, my sister is one of the most self-controlled people I know. From her living out this self-control, I’ve learned to deny my flesh more, and her struggles and triumphs have been a testimony for God’s glory. I’ve found acting in the moment—dealing with or praising specific thoughts as they come to be an effective way of letting God lead my mind and avoiding overwhelm. For example, I usually get overwhelmed when I decide to keep a gratitude journal every day for the rest of my life; however, asking God to point out the positive and remind me to praise Him for it takes the pressure off of me and allows God to do His job–take the burden. He seriously is the best. 
2. If I’m being particularly negative, God will note how I actually have quite a lot to be grateful for. After I feel this nudge, I list as many blessings I can think of. This goes along with the first practice, but it’s unique as it works during my negativity, not while I’m already feeling positive. 

I also want to note the following: As perfectionist-prone people, it can be easier to repress our negativity rather than embrace positivity. But God never says, “don’t have emotions–always be this super happy person.” No, in fact, David was constantly going back and forth between “life’s great” and “I’m a horrible, lonely person,” and He was–get this–a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14). I also firmly believe God wastes nothing, which means He can use everything to increase the strength of our testimony and bring us closer to Him. 

When you feel yourself complaining, don’t let the inner critic tell you to “just stop it, you’re being ridiculous” or “the situation isn’t that bad, get it together–be better.” That is not the voice of God. He never told David to suck it up and get it together. The Bible repeatedly communicates that God sees our potential before seeing the negative attitude or hard season. Even when we are kicking and screaming in pain and doubt, He still looks at us and sees the perfection of Jesus. 

I’m going down a rabbit hole, but I’d like to add one more note: In Psalm 13, David is in anguish before God, feeling abandoned, definitely not focusing on the positive. But after a few lines of “God, where are you?” and other, as we often think of, negative emotions, he turns the tides and focuses on God’s goodness and faithfulness.

It’s okay to wallow for a bit, but don’t let yourself stay in that dark place. Turn around and choose to see one good thing, even if it’s how God looks at your brokenness and still sees Jesus. 

Lastly

So this post is already way over my usual length, so I decided to post half this week and half next week. So stay tuned for part two!

Until next time,

-Alycia