The voice of perfectionism, also known as the inner critic, is arguably the meanest, most hateful demons in history. I can’t tell you the number of times where its lies have made me cry myself to sleep. The number of days it has stolen seem innumerable. The expectations that perfectionism forces on someone are too much to endure. I remember scoffing at bullied kids on commercials or movies because the immature taunts they endured from their bullies seemed like child’s play compared to the lies of the inner critic. Perfectionism’s voice not only harasses you into believing lies about yourself but also hardens your heart toward empathizing with others.

Empathy and Expectations as a “Recovering Perfectionist”

We had to take a test in school, not one for academic purposes, but something about emotional wellbeing and self-awareness. I can’t remember the details, but I remember having a stubborn attitude towards this allegedly “helpful” quiz. I distinctly recall thinking, “what does this have to do with anything?” when a teacher asked me to write down my answer to questions pertaining to whether I was empathetic or sympathetic. When I got my score and found that I was better at dishing out sympathy than empathy, I dismissed the event altogether.

Maybe the reason why it is difficult to empathize with people has something to do with the state of my mind, especially then. Each day left me exhausted after passively allowing negativity to course through my brain, infecting my mind. It poisoned not only my thoughts but also my ability to understand the battle other people faced. I thought, “it can’t be that hard, think about what I have to go through.” It’s true; you are what you eat. You are what you allow in. The Bible says it better, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34b).”

The voice of perfectionism, its negativity, infiltrated my mind and thus conquered my mouth. I thought horrible things about others because I heard awful things about myself.

Expectations and A Lack of Grace

I worked on a group project, not my favorite way to work but whatever, and there was one kid, Bob (not their real name), who I realized was going to be a problem. We were on a time crunch, so I tried to ignore the incessant annoying behavior. Multiple times I reminded Bob that we were on a deadline and we all needed everyone to participate. After our project concluded, I found myself ranting to my dad about this infuriating person.

I didn’t realize how flustered Bob had made me feel and how I had allowed his actions, or lack thereof, to affect my mood. Not only did it affect me, but also the way I reacted to Bob each time he made a smart remark or caused chaos. I couldn’t believe that no one else got frustrated with him, especially considering how I allowed Bob to get under my skin.

No one else reacted the way I did because they didn’t put their insanely high expectations on Bob, not because they are blind.

The weight of perfectionism’s expectations weighed so heavily on my mind that it flowed freely out of my mouth. As the venom of a viper starts with small incisions but the venom spreads quickly and leaves you in pain. Perfectionists judge others because of the expectations we hold ourselves to become the expectations we hold others to. It’s like the pressure is too much for us to carry alone, so we share it with others. We can’t imagine a life without that burden, so we assume everyone feels the weight in the same way.

“Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Matthew 12:34 NKJV

Positivity and It’s Fight Against Expectations

I’ll tell you, that last story was not long ago. Putting my expectations on others was something I thought I had processed and conquered. But God has a way of humbling me. He reminds me that I can’t become lax in my relationship with Him or else we will drift apart. Grace is the most effective tool in defeating this metaphorical arm of perfectionism. The closer I am to God, that is, the more positive my mind is, the more my identity is in Christ, and the more time I spend reading His word and intentionally inviting Him into my mind and heart daily, the more grace I experience.

God loves us so profoundly that grace, this undeserved forgiveness, respect, and connection, comes naturally. The closer I am to that love, the more I understand and experience His grace towards me. Also, the more forgiveness I give to others. I feel secure in myself when I am closer to Him because I can laugh at my mistakes, knowing that God is not judging me, knowing that His voice is louder than perfectionism’s voice.

God Provides A Way Out

I can’t fully explain all that God’s grace entails specifically in the life of a perfectionist, especially in the few words I have here. But the point is, stay close to God, and you will experience His love, and thus, His grace. Subconsciously, submerging yourself in His positivity, His truth, His love, will fill your mind. Just like perfectionism’s lies poisoned your mind to judge not only yourself but others, so God’s truth strengthens your mind to give grace to not only yourself but also to others. The weight of those expectations become less and less noticeable. We are no longer spreading the burden onto others, but now we are giving it to God. Proximity to God alleviates the pressure of our burdens. It’s not overnight; it’s unnoticeable.

I forgot that judging people was a problem of mine until I stumbled back into that problem. I didn’t realize how far God has led me until He reminded me of how it felt to be back again. Thank you for keeping me humble, God, thank you for sending Bob to annoy me. Thank you for allowing your grace to teach me a lesson with my failures because, in the past, my stumbling would have given perfectionism a reason to get even louder.

The despicable voice of perfectionism does quiet down, but not naturally. Perfectionism has to be silenced. You can’t have a garden without weeds, and you can’t get rid of weeds without a gardener.

This blog post topic was the product of an interview with a fellow young perfectionist, and he brought up a plethora of perfectionistic points that I cannot wait to discuss and process. If you are interested in perfectionism from a teenager’s perspective, please subscribe to my email list at the bottom of the page to receive the most pressing news of my upcoming book, Almost Perfect.